Time scales. It’s all about time scales. The Bakery’s nearly looking like a home. Let me have a look…

…75% a home. It’s the rug under the coffee table that never itself existed. It’s the three house plants I always planned on buying; the sideboard for storage - two words I’d never really considered. What is a sideboard anyway? I mean, I’m looking it at and I was aware of its kind and existence before but how did such a thing come about? I know, let’s make the room a bit smaller and put some low cupboards and a cutlery draw in it. Surely the sideboard was the last of man’s furniture inventions? We couldn’t even name it properly. We just chucked a couple of other words at it and left it there.

The thing is, I quite like it. I knew I wanted it as soon I saw it, well as soon as I heard I could afford it. It looks pretty good and there’s place at the end to stash all your booze an area for mixing drinks. I’m sure that’s something we were always told to avoid. Sideboards positively encourage it.

So we sit here - me and Sidey - having a little tete-a-teak about change; the change that LB brings with her plant pots and rugs, the change that part of me kicks at and then wonders exactly why. Do I fear the unknown or maybe I just miss who I was, who I’m ceasing to be, or more to the point, is it about what future identity I have.

But then Sidey flaps his doors. We’re getting on pretty well the two if us and who would have thought that’d work out? Just because I have a sideboard, it doesn’t mean I’m not The Bagel.

I think you know where I’m going with this - well, I finally do anyway. I’m just worried about change.

Word comes in tonight that we’ve accepted a £28m bid for Dimitar the Unhappy, just when I’d dared to mention to Jimmy Bluto (nee Crazy Box) that part of me was beginning to secretly think that maybe we’d hang onto the beautiful Bulgarian. Just about all the papers are reporting it. It’s probably about the fairest price for both parties. £25m would have been too near a robbery and £30m to close to a rip off and it looks as if it’s 18 up front with a variety of “if he paints his locker blue and uses his right boot more than his left” clauses for the remaining 10.

We all know he’s a major talent to lose and I shudder to think how we’ll cope having to defend against him. I’m only bolstered by the solace that at least our defenders will know more about him than any other unit in the league. I also take great comfort that he’ll be banging them in against our two favourite London sides.

What bothers me is my fear of who we’ll get in next. I don’t expect them to be able to do the things of which the twinkled-toed one is capable. They don’t have to. All we need is a player who can strike the ball if what I’m reading is true - that Ramos wants to play 4-5-1; again something I fear.

4-5-1 always seems like such a boring formation, a cowards call but then I always thinks of the likes of ‘Boro and Fulham, turning up at WHL with packed midfields and not intention of scoring at all. Even if it was Juande’s plan I’m not sure he’ll have the squad for it with choices like Johnny Two Saints, Little Aaron, Luka the Mod, JJ and Steeeve.

There’s only been one paper I read that predicted the Berbatov move would never happen in perhaps the most flawed piece of logic I’ve seen all summer. The Daily Star are surmising that because Andrei Arseshaven wants to move to the the wrong end of North London that we wont let Dimi go as we were planning on using the Russian as replacement.

>So let me get this straight. We won’t let our 6′1″ striker, who’s near the end of his contract, go because we’re going to miss out on a 5′7″ attacking midfielder? Right. No, if and when we do replace Berbatov it will not be like that. We’ve that list of Podolskis and Garcia and Militos et al to get through before we rely on any dwarfs playing out of position, as good as they might be.

That’s a good point though. Garcia. Luis Garcia. We haven’t talked much about the Espanyol striker. When the rumours first came out I was horrified that we were considering the Liverpool thumb sucker. Thankfully, we’re talking about Luis García Fernández rather than Luis Javier García Sanz. Ferandez is no giant at 5′11″ but big enough to play the lone role, provided he’s got a jump on him.

>He began playing for Real Madrid C, then Real Madrid B but never quite made it to the big time until he became one with the net at Espanyol and Mallorca before that. Here’s his head…

…screaming…

…a lot…

…with his horse-shaped gob.

He should be capable of playing on his own with a frame not disimilar to the likes of Michael Chopra and Darren Huckerby only taller but the worrying part for is that there’s very little evidence of his work on YouTube save several of the same clip of him missing the penalty which handed the Juande Ramos and his Sevilla their second consecutive UEFA Cup. There is this…

…but it’s not exactly a lot to go on.

It did appear as if we’d reached a £9.5m agreement with Espanyol for the services of this 27-year-old recent addition to the Spanish national squad but his club have largely rubbished it.

“We haven’t spoken to anyone, and for me the bid is only genuine if a club gets in touch with us directly,” sad Espanyol president Daniel Sanchez.

“If everything that came out in the media happened then virtually the entire squad would be sold,” he added for a nice nonchalant sounding effect, and it’s worked. I don’t think we’re going to buy him although you do sense the the concern from Mr Sanchez that the players agent has been in contact. If it’s not us, it could well be someone else.

As I sit here, my sore eyes trying to convince my fingers to stop typing, Sidey urging me on, the Mail is reporting we’ve finally agreed a fee for Bentley. A £17m deal made up of England’s No.1 plus £11m cash is what they’re saying as Brad Fri-dell looks to be heading to Villa. With both this and the Berbatalk, should they be correct that the fees have been agreed, then expect the players to follow very, very quickly. Pre-season is under way and both Dimi and David so badly want their moves.

According to the same piece and many others, Roque Santa Cruz has become yet another of the Perfect One’s top targets in order to head our splendid midfield - should the latest deal come true - although I’m not sure how happy Incy Wincey Guvnor will feel about us ducking back in for Slackburn’s other star player.

But while the agents and their fax machines - do they really still use fax machines? - work through the night, the players sleep safe and sound - well, at least the Tottenham ones do. The arsenal players wake up in cold sweats at any movement of the chair they’ve jammed underneath the bedroom doorhandles. But that’s another story.

Yes, the Spurs sleep safe and warm in the comforting glow of their 8-0 drubbing of local Spanish ameoba club Tavernes; a game in which Johnny Two Saints picked up two and Psycho Pekhart, one. It’s a good start but easy enough on the Iberian Peninsula. We’ll see how the little Mexican deals with a icy mid-winter trip up to the North East. I’ll bet he’s a glove wearer.

Take not notice of the goals scored in this game. I’ve just read the full report. It contains the words “Lennon powered home the header”.

The strangeness of this life cannot be measured: in trying to produce my own death, I was elevated to the status of a living bagel.

The Bagel.