Ahhhh so long, it’s been so damn long. I’ll tell you all about The Bagel’s comings and goings when I have the time but there’s news to discuss.

Frankly, I’ve been in shock since Monday just after midnight when I read the headline in the Mail online that Keano had handed in a transfer request over the rumours about Rafa’s requests. I felt sick to my stomach. If I think about it too long I still do. Robbie is not only very special to Tottenham but he’s very special to The Bagel. The day I decided to buy my season ticket was the day he signed for Spurs and I’ll never forget him holding his Tottenham shirt aloft with a feeling in everyone’s hearts that we’d bought an exceptional player, one looking for a place to call home and that’s exactly what the Lane has become since he arrived.

No one tries harder than Keano and no one can do what he does. He is unique in style, in shape, in attitude and it’ll be one of the sadest days of my life when he leaves Spurs. We don’t sing “All I want is a team of Robbie Keanes” for no reason. I’ve always marveled at the way other teams haven’t coveted him before and in some ways it’s no surprise that finally one of them has seen sense. I’m sure he’d be a legend at Anfield. You simply cannot resist his charms, his chop-suey and his little Irish jigs. The thing is, he’s not going to go.

I’ve had to add this one up slowly and surely but The Bagel has come to his decision - Keano stays. It was first of all when I Twittered my horror that the Yid of the North gave me the first sign. “Surely this is all arse water,” he said. “Arse water,” I thought as I began to anlayse the details of the story.

It was a solitary source, the Mail and there were no direct quotes. In fact all of this speculation that’s hit the net has been the result of some bloke who knows a bloke. Now, maybe that bloke is genuine but then, maybe he just heard Keano mention that Liverpool is a team he has a soft spot for? So that was clue number one.

Number two came from Oog who reminded my that - and no offense Red Rum - this is Liverpool. This is not Manchester United. They don’t have the same clout or pressure. They’re not the same force of nature and if we don’t want to sell Keano we don’t have to because, and this is where clue number three comes in, he’s under a long contract - somewhere in the region of 3 or 4 years minimum. We can even price Liverpool out of the deal if we wish.

As Oog pointed out, and I quite agree, Crouch is a reasonable enough player but the offer from Rafa is ludicrous. If that was a scout, it’s been captured, interrogated and shot dead. Not a bleeding chance. £20 is probably closer to market value and I’msure we could jack it up to £25m just to scare them off. That’s clue four.

Clue five is that Dimi or no Dimi, Ramos doesn’t want to sell Keano. I totally understand how Robbie may have been annoyed with all that 60 minute subbing last season but I don’t think it was a reflection on what Juande thinks of him. Also, just because Berbatov is left on instead of you, doesn’t make you a bad player. To be fair, there’s not a lot of fact in clue five but I just sense it in my crumbs. Any manager who works with Robbie is going to value him. You’d never let him go.

Clue six is my favourite though. I’ll try and upload this bugger…

…nope still haven’t go that sorted. Look at this. The Spurs came back to town today in the first training session. A much publicised red-faced Dimi returned with his transfer tail between his legs and ignoring the lunchbox comparison between Ledders and JJ on the right, take note of the figure on the far left. Yes, that lovely looking chap with the broad grin on his face; thay one who looks to be having a thoroughly wonderful time in the company of his mates - his mates plus a few extra talented new ones that are going to make him want to play with them. Two days with Johnny Two Saints, Luka the Mod and a smaller reminder of how good BALE! BALE! BALE! is and any thoughts of leaving, if at all true, will disappear.

While we’re on the subject. Check out this picture of the Yids of the future. It warms my buns, I tell you. Incidently, I’m judging by the kit that my third strip 3/4 length training shorts should be on their way to the Bakery shortly. Splendid. I can put them to the intended use but lazing about in them.

In terms of striker number 3, I shouldn’t worry too much about the fact that Makams have yet to agree a fee with us. The fact is that can you see anyone, even Niall Quinn, turning to Roy Keane and explaining that they didn’t want to spend the money. He’d just stare back until Quinn talked himself back into the deal and then walk out of the room. He does the same at petrol stations - just goes in to the mini-mart, walks up to the cash desk and stares at the pump monkey for twenty seconds before walking out without paying. Maybe we won’t get £10m but he’ll go.

Bentley/Little Aaron to Tottenham/Slackburn is another issuette but I’m not getting into that today - well, not much. Ince wants to keep Bentley and that ain’t going to happen. I doubt he’ll get Little Aaron either but he will receive a lot of cash and possibly one of the spare full backs we have in stock. Ok, really have to go now but while we’re full-backing, did anyone notice that Daniel Alves finally made his move from Sevilla to Barca? £23.5m it was in the end making that the record for his position. So, not coming to Spurs then or Chelsea either thank God.

Little girl, can I borrow your…hover bagel?

The Bagel.