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Rules for watching the Grand Slam at my place

admin — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 04:36:00 +0000

- You get here by 5.45am. You’re not here by 5.45am, it’s the car radio.

- Come alone. You bring the wife? You’re going home. Kids? You’re going home. That Welsh guy from your work? Home. Clear? Good.

- Bring beer. Yeah it’s Sunday morning, but this is Rugby. We drink. There’ll be no ‘make one can last the whole game and pour most of it in the sink like the World Cup’, either. It’s three cans per half minimum, and I’m going to be watching you like a fucking hawk.

- You stay quiet while I’m arguing with the commentators unless you’re saying “yeah, Greg’, ‘that’s right, Greg’, ‘good point well made, Greg’, or ‘you should be the commentator, Greg’. I’ll be ringing Deaker after, too, don’t you worry.

- Seeing as you’re around here watching my Sky, I’m going to need $25. That’s half my month’s subscription. Not fair? An 18 month ban from the Rugby club for shit that was never proved’s not fair, either. Just cos a joker’s got spray can on him for a bit of DIY on Sunday doesn’t mean he’s sprayed ‘We Are All Qeers’ on Eastern’s coach. Does it? Didn’t think so.

- Choose one from ‘cell phone off’ or ‘painful kick in the nuts’.

- If the All Blacks win, we’re on the piss for the day, mate. You gotta celebrate. DIY, Kid’s day, blah blah blah, what are ya? We’re going to the RSA. You’re driving.

- If the All Blacks lose you need pack your shit and be out in 60 seconds, starting from final whistle. If I’ve got a whole day of staring angrily at the lawn mower ahead, I want an early start.

I’d like to welcome all you… Wall Jammers out there

admin — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 21:52:00 +0000

Finding this clip has made me so *happy*

Links on Friday

admin — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 21:48:00 +0000

As soon as sportreview jr is old enough, he’ll be doing this kind of thing. But more likely this.

Jimmy Conners is a legend.

Baseball is generally boring. However, I DO like the idea of people throwing peanuts at you.

Badly Injured Man Not Done Partying Yet - “I tried to tell him sprains don’t heal themselves, but he kept calling me a pussy and telling me to chug.” Ah, this takes me back.

Bad hat day

admin — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 23:00:00 +0000

UK Rugby fan wrong

admin — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 09:39:00 +0000

Surrey resident Charles Chorltington-Worster resident today confirmed he lacks even basic knowledge of Rugby Union rules, tactics, players, coaches, referee’s calls and global pecking order. A lifelong England Rugby follower, Chorltington-Worster admitted to possessing less Rugby knowledge than a toaster. “I’m a typical Pommy Rugby aficionado, but I know sod all about it. Jolly poor show, what.” said Chortlington-Worster.

Speaking outside his local, The Buckteeth and Jodhpurs, Chortlington-Worster was only too happy to tell reporters his wrongness was total, utter, and retrospective, and the All Blacks were definitely poisoned in 1995, Tana tacked Brian fairly, Richie McCaw only plays to the limits of the laws, and Clive Woodward is crap.

The admission follows sterling work from New Zealand’s Grand Slam touring parties, unofficially recruited by the NZRFU to confront British fans in their places of work, pubs or homes, and point out they’re wrong. “We got briefed on the plane.” said Dave Gooseneck of Taranaki. “They told us ‘get stuck into the Poms and point out they’re wrong.’ Bloody oath I was keen, I was going to do it anyway.”

Gooseneck and his party were proud of their work so far in England and Scotland. “One Scottish wanker tried to tell me Jimmy Cowan wasn’t the best halfback in the world. I had the NZRFU Big Book Of Stats & Arguments out of me day pack in a flash. You should have seen his face.”

NZRFU CEO Steve Tew said the guerrilla campaign was yielding quick wins already. “Without going out and boiling the ocean, we’re seeing some real traction. By 2011, we could see UK coaches, administrators, even referees admitting they’re wrong. Licensing our methodology to other sports would be a big revenue opportunity, I’m sure Australian cricketers could adapt it for appeals, or self-righteous whinging. South Africa may be interested, but there’s a number of freelancers operating in this area there already.”

Links on Friday

admin — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 00:37:00 +0000

Don’t think this guy really gets what batting’s all about. Hitting the ball and that. You can see him thinking ‘F**king YOUTUBE’ on the way back to the shed.

Six classic footballs. Tango = 1982 = undisputed champ

Arsenal 4 v Spurs 4 fanzone commentators. They got too excited at the start and left themselves nowhere to go, really.

Sean of the Dead’s Simon Pegg on Why Zombies Shouldn’t Run, He’s writing about E4’s Dead Set *opens torrent*.

Regarding my ‘Official All Black Grand Slam Tour Blogger’ contract

admin — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 08:43:00 +0000

I’m rapt to be the ‘Official All Black Grand Slam Tour Blogger in association with Warehouse Stationary’. Never in my wildest did I think my sporadic, barely literate farking around on the net would earn a six figure, one month gig. It’s a dream, etc etc.

However. This contract. We’ve got some show stoppers. Rats and mice, like the ‘turning up drunk’ and ‘punch Stu Wilson hard in the face’ clauses are missing. I’m surprised, but it doesn’t matter. I’d like to nut through the biggies now though, if we can.

First off, we’re not getting underway in the mornings ’til after 9.30. When I worked in London it was like 9.30. Later, if there’s tube problems. They’re always breaking down eh, you can’t control when you show up. And it’s not your fault.

Also, I’ll need Adidas socks, pants, shorts, shoes ( I like the old school ones, but I’ll take running shoes and sandals, too), caps, boxers, briefs, tees, sweatshirts, fleeces, coats, scarves, bags, beanies, wrist and headbands, and pens. ALL that shit’s necessary. You want good blogging, don’t you? I’ll Trade Me it after, though, the stuff I don’t keep ’til it’s priceless. It all needs to be signed by everyone, too.

This ‘minimum daily word count’ is coming straight out. Blogging’s not like Rugby. You can’t measure it. I might do a three word post when we play England. And that’ll be blogging gold. I might do three words for the whole TOUR, and that would be enough. ‘Minimum word count’. You guys might have ruined the whole thing already.

Let’s talk PR. We’ll need some night club shenanigans, fighting in Wales, spewing in Dublin, All Black Booze Shocker, Our Papparazzi Shame, Whoops Misses Mind My Jock Strap, that kind of thing. Pommy tabs lap that shit up. Great publicity. The handbag really helped Tana, everyone knows who he is now. Maybe we could do something to Clive Woodward, or his house, that’d go over great back home.

We’re close on that contract now. Good meeting guys. Just so you know, when we get there I’ll chuck a sickie for a couple of days, catch up with some old mates. Just pick me up from The Snakebite & Firken in Willesden Green. Bring a car big enough for nine people? Ta.

Tour of Southland snow

admin — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 07:43:00 +0000

The Tour of Southland had snow and hail on today’s stage - TV3 video here. Makes wussy part time cycle commuters who don’t fancy a bit of rain look even more wussy than usual. Ahem.

Too drunk to stump

admin — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 20:46:00 +0000

Links on Friday

admin — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 00:13:00 +0000

You don’t want to mess with new Spurs supremo ‘Arry Redknapp. You can SEE his brain working.

Is your cat a little too comfortable helping himself in the kitchen? You need Blender Defender. I’m thinking about getting one in the office for anyone trying to nick me pens.

Goes like a strangled fart.

I think when you walk home tonight, there’ll be a rather embarrassed silence.

Guardian Gallery comp - David Beckham

admin — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 04:58:00 +0000

The hilarity continues - this time it’s David Beckham getting the Guardian Gallery treatment (number eight).

sportreview.net.nz guide to New Zealand sport fans

admin — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 04:45:00 +0000

	Rugby	Cricket	Netball	League
Match day	Match itself dreadful bore, but networking top class	Behind the bowlers’ arm or listening to Radio Sport in the bar	You can GO to a game? No way!	Waving a big flag and being there each and every largely unrewarded week
Eating and drinking	Buffet left a little to be desired, must have a word to PA on Monday	Off season spent on piss smuggling strategies	Milo, mostly, with the odd family sized Milky Bar	Big bitter, salty tears of disappointment
Showing support	Blues and All Black scarfs kept in boot of the Jag	Agonising sunburn and patchy nightclub eviction record	Ruth Aitken embossed dinner trays	Queues overnight for all matches, sell out or not
Patron saint	Colin Meads - so rustic and charming to talk to	Chris Cairns, Adam Parore, or anyone with a bad attitude	Lois Muir. Or Jo Seager	The Mad Butcher
TV	Good god, no	Usually catches highlights on clubhouse big screen, where you’ve been sleeping rough after Cheryl got house and kids, the bitch	Slightly perturbed at missing Coro, but TV’s set to ONE permanently as it is, Mittens ate the jolly remote years ago	Away matches at Workingman’s club. Better win / loss record in meat pack raffle than Warriors in NRL

Pictures say only one or two words in this case

admin — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 19:45:00 +0000

I’ve entered two competitions this week. There’s the Guardian’s Gallery ‘Photoshop Juande Ramos’ comp. I’m number 22 on the site - I feel so dirty.

They actually had my ‘effort’ on the site’s front page for a while. Sometimes it pays to stick with the bleeding obvious, team.

And here’s my entry in the Dropkicks’ photography comp:

David Foster Wallace Tennis writing

admin — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 02:21:00 +0000

Bookish types (sportreview.net.nz readers are notoriously literary) will have been sad to hear that David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest writer and a fine journalist, took his life last weekend.

As well as being an all-round shit-hot writer, Wallace was a nationally (US) ranked junior Tennis player, and often wrote features on the sport. Here’s what I could find online:

Roger Federer as religious experience - New York Times

Democracy and Commerce at the US Open - Tennis magazine

Tennis, Trigonometry, Tornadoes: A Midwestern boyhood - Harper’s Magazine (pdf, about 3 MB)

Other DFW stuff:

The Onion chips in with NASCAR Cancels Remainder Of Season Following David Foster Wallace’s Death

Get your Enfield Tennis Academy t-shirt

Ryder Cup high five report

admin — Sun, 21 Sep 2008 11:02:00 +0000

I’ve enjoyed the Ryder Cup golf the last two mornings. It’s real tense, with the kind of pressure that makes players want to vomit over two foot putts. Vomit REALLY messes up your line.

But if you want a laugh, watch the high fives. Normally the domain of Basketball players and West Indian fast bowlers, in the Ryder Cup every putt, drive, muesli bar, chip, or bunker shot gets a hand-slap more awkward than a Stephen Hawking breakdance. Try as they might, the Europeans are crap high fivers - at the end of the Poulter/McDowell match, there was a conspicuous miss. Ouch.

On the American team, Anthony Kim was swinging his arm like a Steffi Graf forehand at playing partner Phil Mickelson. Phil didn’t seem like he wanted to be high fived quite that hard, ta very much, but made up for his lack of hand slap commitment by making his eyes bulge wildly and whoopin’ instead.

It all finishes tomorrow - if you enjoy watching golfers making names for themselves, cracking under the pressure, or pulling out of high fives to save their valuable, valuable hands, take the day off. It’s going to be good.

Links
- Harry Pearson Ryder Cup preview
- Six great moments from The Guardian
- 14 1/2 great moments from The Times.
- Will Buckley on Europe captain Nick Faldo